It was my dream hack, my white whale. The unbreakable firewall. The best hackers in the world had tried and failed to get through it. No-one knew what was behind it, only that anything this watertight must be hiding something good. This was how i was going to make my name, to prove once and for all that I was the best.

It took me several days of non stop probing, looking for weaknesses, sniffing for packets to try to piggyback on. I tried going over it, under it, round it and through it, but nothing worked. It shrugged off my brute force attack like it was a bothersome mosquito. Every security hole was locked down, every vulnerability was patched. I stopped sleeping, I stopped eating, I survived on energy drinks and espressos. The world around me started to blur, all that existed was my screen.

I don’t know when i finally fell asleep, all i know is that when I woke up there was a flashing cursor on my screen and two words. Access granted. My heart lept into my throat, along with half a pint of caffeine. I swallowed it back down and stared. I had no idea how I got through, only that I could now claim my prize.

I had to leave my mark, something I could use to prove that I had beaten the system. It wasn’t hard. The name of the server was Earth 2017, so I changed it to Pwned ur ass Noobz.

I browsed around the code, but there were millions of lines. I had no idea what any of it did. There was an entire section that looked like weather monitoring software. There was an entry for Climate change that had it at 40%, so for shits and giggles I reset it to 0%. Some scientist was going to be confused tomorrow!

I browsed some more until I found a list of names. Millions of them. Jackpot! There were details of everyone, date of birth, marital status, annual income, even a happiness rating, everything you can imagine. I must have found the NSA servers.

I should have left right then and there, but curiosity got the better of me. I did what anyone would do, I browsed straight to my ex girlfriend. Silly bitch was stupidly happy now that she’d left me and she earned twice as much as she’d told me about. I tanked her happiness rating, axed her income and changed her weight from 90lbs to 490lbs. Sure it was only on paper, but it felt good anyway.

I searched for my name and found it. The stats were scarily accurate, down to the penny on my income and spot on with my weight. There was even an entry for dick size! How on earth would they know that? From my medical records I guess? Well guess who’s about to gain 15 inches of dong and a get a billion dollar pay raise! This guy.

I could poke around all day, but the longer I am on here the more chance there is of getting caught and the NSA don’t mess around with hackers. I close the window and it prompts me: Do you want to save your changes? Of course I do. I hit yes and am struck with crippling groin pain. It’s my body telling me it’s time to go to bed. I drag myself into my room and close my eyes, just for a moment.

I wake up to the sound of cheering on the TV. There’s a pretty blonde news reporter claiming climate change has been proven a hoax once and for all. God i hate these right wing news channels. I’m about to turn it off when i see the ticker at the bottom of the screen: Breaking News, Planet Pwned ur ass Noobz is no longer getting warmer. We are saved.

That’s when I look down and see my new third leg.

I’ve made a terrible mistake!

I should have added 20 inches.