I thought that was that, but here I am at the pearly gates. They are a lot bigger than i expected, and the bars are far thicker than in the paintings. Stranger yet, the gates are connected to a very large fence that runs for as far as I can see on either side. I can hear the distinct buzzing of high voltage as I get closer. What is this place?
There’s a gentleman dressed all in white looking rather sheepish. I say that because he’s surrounded by a small flock of goats that are bleating up a storm. I amble over and shout over the ruccous, “Where am I?” His voice booms over the noise, “Heaven of course.”
Heaven? Now there’s a surprise. Did someone miss the memo that I’m an atheist? Still, now doesn’t seem like the appropriate time to mention it. The guy is still staring at me so I ask the obvious question, “What’s with all the goats?” He acts like he’s noticing them for the first time, “Oh right, sorry, I totally forgot. You get to pick one.” “As a pet?” He stares at me before quietly muttering, “No, as a snack.” “A snack? Why would I eat a goat?” “Who said anything about you? You want a goat or not?” I’m not sure how to proceed, so I point at the smallest one on the presumption that I’m saving it from being someone else’s lunch. The gentleman nods and hands me the goat’s leash before pushing a large red button. The gates open with a rumble and a barrage of flashing red lights. He gestures inside and says, “Welcome to heaven. Enjoy your stay. We’ve spared no expense. Now in you go, before anyone escapes.” “Escapes?” He shakes his head, “Sorry, bad phrasing. Step inside please, I don’t have all day, there will be more guests along shortly.”
I drag my new found friend into the jungle as the gates shut behind me with a thud. The only sound is a distant roar. I immediately turn and bang on the gates, “Excuse me, what was that?” The old man smiles for the first time, “That’s one of our T-rexes. He’s hungry.” I don’t like the sound of that at all. “What does he eat?” “Well he likes to start with a goat and wash it down with some atheists, but he’s not always fussy about the order.” I grab the bars and shake them with minimal effect, “I thought you said this was heaven!” “Oh it is. It’s dinosaur heaven. You were so keen to prove that dinosaurs were real when you were alive, now’s your chance to meet one!”
Suddenly all those trips to the gym seem like a good idea after all.