I can’t bring myself to swipe right. Each guy looks cute in their own way, but I’m not looking for a new boyfriend, I’m looking for a replacement. I can’t help but compare them to him, the lying, cheating, bastard. They don’t have his smirk, his chiselled chin, his spiky hair that requires vast tubs of hair gel.

That one looks sweet. I hate sweet. Swipe left.

That one has a photograph of him with a great dane. Why not just get a horse and be done with it? Swipe left.

That one doesn’t have a shirt on. I don’t even know what half of those muscles are! He’d leave me in a week. Swipe left.

I should have started my new years resolution sooner. If only I’d lost a little more weight, got skinnier, toner, tighter, maybe he wouldn’t have slept with her. What a cliche, his damn secretary. I thought that only happened in the movies. It’s not fair, she’s 10 years younger, gravity hasn’t had as much time to assault her as it has to me. She’s annoyingly perky, and I don’t mean upbeat. I can picture the two of them together…

I’m spiralling again, I can feel myself reaching for the ice cream. I don’t have anymore tears left, I think I might cry white wine. Why didn’t I see this coming? He was hesitant, distant, always working late or going on long business trips. I can see so clearly now. I should have dumped him ages ago, I’m better than this. They deserve each other.

My new years resolution was to lose 20lbs, but here we are only 1 week in and I’ve already lost 180lbs of dead weight. Take that weight watchers!

Now pass the ice cream. I’m going to find Mr. Swipe Right.